


Cirno's Big Break

by wingsofice (grarnarye)



Category: Touhou Project
Genre: Comedy, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000, fairies being fairies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-12 23:23:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20572640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grarnarye/pseuds/wingsofice
Summary: Cirno's popularity has been waning; she takes it upon herself to fix that with a little help from a certain bookstore owner.This is for FAIRY FIESTA, a free Cirno-themed fanzine! Be sure to check out the full thing here:https://dotzines.tumblr.com/post/187587878987/fairy-fiesta-release-this-zine-is-a





	Cirno's Big Break

**WhY CiRNO iS THE ** **BESTEST** ** STRONGEST FAiRY**

BY: CiRNO (THE iCE FAiRY)

#### (Transcribed and Published by Kosuzu Motoori) 

Recently, people have been making fun of me! They say stuff like, “You? The strongest fairy? Not a chance!” and “I bet you can’t freeze my tongue to this pole!” and “Hey, you can’t just eat all of my lamprey eels without paying!” Well, I’m tired of it! Gensokyo just isn’t like it used to be, when everyone knew to fear ME, the strongest fairy!

So, I did some digging and decided to find out just who the strongest fairy really is. Just like that one tengu’s newspaper, all of this is based off of the best facts and evidence. Heck, it might be even better than that dinky old rag!

I’m gonna rate these suckers based on three categories: POWER, SPEED and COOLNESS, on a scale of 0 to 9! The first one is super easy to understand, it’s just how strong they are compared to me, the strongest. The second one is how fast they are; and don’t worry, I measured it using the proven method of playing tag, so I know that it’s right. And coolness is how cool I think they are! 

Now, I know what you’re thinking right about now. How can Cirno, a cool as a cumber ice fairy, be totally fair about who’s the coolest? Well, it’s really simple. I’ve developed a foolproof method especifically (sic) for that! 

Do you get to know what it is?

No. 

Without further ado, it’s time for the rating!

** FAIRY NUMBER ONE**

** NAME: SUNNY MILK**

ABILITY: Bending the sun(?), using fire danmaku

Sunny told me what her ability’s like a long time ago, but I don’t really remember most of it… I know she said something about the sun, but that’s about it! Important thing for all you ice magic users out there, though: Sunny is totally unfair and uses un-freezable fire danmaku! Watch out for that. 

POWER: 6/9

Far as I can tell, Sunny Milk’s the leader of the “Fairies of Light”. Which doesn’t really sound like much, since there’s at least a hundred or something, but whatever. Just ‘cause she looks all cutesy doesn’t mean jack; she’s actually kinda strong (when you’re not putting her up against me, anyway). She’s at her strongest during the day, so make sure to prank her during night time.

SPEED: 8.5/9

Sunny is one of the fastest fairies I’ve ever seen! She can turn herself invisible, and she can go so fast that even her environment changes around her. That’s even faster than that nosy tengu…I should ask her how to do that some time. 

COOLNESS: 2/9

She destroyed my house! And with her fairy friends too!! In fact, I declared war on them this one time and beat all them up just because they did that!!! So, if you read this, Sunny: you’re a stinky buttface for doing that. I’m not gonna play bug catching with you for a month. 

**FAIRY NUMBER TWO**

**NAME: LUNA CHILD**

ABILITY: Being super quiet, LASERS!!

You put super large exclamation points on that last one, right? Okay. I don’t know how she does it, but Luna is so quiet that her sneakiness takes away my hearing, too! Weird, right? She told me one time it was ‘cause of the moon, but I don’t believe it. The lasers are kinda scary, though. 

POWER: 3/9 

The only really impressive part about her is that her danmaku is hard to dodge. Breaking apart my ice is only cool ‘cause she does it with lasers, bee tee dubs (Transcriber’s Note: slang, apparently?). I could make lasers if I wanted, and you don’t see me bragging about it!

SPEED: 3/9 

In all honesty, Luna’s kinda slow and clumsy. And is it just me, or does she always seem to not want to prank people? What’s she so scared of? It’s no wonder she always gets stuck as the tagger by the end. Hm…maybe she turns into a super fairy at night or something, and she’s just conserving her power in the day time?

COOLNESS: 4/9

She should be in the same score as Sunny Milk, since she helped destroy MY HOUSE!! She isn’t excluded from my revenge! The only reason she’s so high is because she showed me her coffee maker one time; I was able to stay awake for two days straight, which was pretty awesome.

**FAIRY NUMBER THREE **

** NAME: STAR SAPPHIRE**

ABILITY: Radar senses, cheating at hide and seek 

Don’t be fooled by Star’s appearance: she’s a menace to fairy society. Not only can she see you sneak up from anywhere she wants, she knows where you are even if you’re not moving! It’s totally unfair, since she’s basically unprankable unless you can get her while she’s sleeping somehow. 

POWER: 7/9 

Her danmaku is the scariest out of the Three Fairies. She uses stars and stuff, and she boxes you in until you have nowhere to go…ugh. Her powers aren’t even tied to the sun or moon or anything, so she can just do things whenever she wants without even thinking about it! So unfair…though I just remembered I can freeze all of it, so it probably isn’t that bad. 

SPEED: N/A/9 

Since Star’s a big cheater at tag and hide and seek, it’s basically impossible to know how fast she really is. I mean, she doesn’t look that fast, but there’s gotta be something up with her. A fairy with the power to see where everyone is must be hiding something up her huge, puffy sleeves! 

COOLNESS: 2/9 

Star’s in the same boat as Sunny! She’s totally lame ‘cause she helped destroy my house. Not to mention, she’s just a little bit creepy…I heard that she likes looking at little skulls in her spare time. Like, real size skulls. I think Piece is a bad influence on her. 

**FAIRY NUMBER ONE (4)**

**NAME: CIRNO, THE STRONGEST FAIRY**

ABILITY: Manipulating cold, freezing danmaku 

Naturally, my ability is the strongest in Gensokyo! I can freeze anything: danmaku, fairies, the air around me, and even frogs! The only thing I can’t really freeze is lasers, but that’s ‘cause they’re made out of light. Good thing, too; being able to freeze light would give lots of people less smart than me bad ideas. 

POWER: 9/9 

I’m the strongest! If you need any proof, you can ask Marisa and that weird door lady. Since I’ve beaten humans and youkai, other fairies are no match for me! 

SPEED: 9/9 

Since I’m the strongest, I’m obviously the fastest, too! In fact, I’m so fast that no danmaku can touch me, since it freezes before it gets to me. When you think about it like that, I’m basically the fastest thing alive, as long as I can still use my powers (which I can, so don’t even think about it)! 

COOLNESS: 9/9 

If you think there’s a fairy out there that’s cooler than Cirno, the coolest, strongest fairy, you’d be dead wrong! How often do you get to meet a fairy as cool as ME? Even my name is cool! I pull the coolest pranks, I eat the most food, I beat up all the other fairies, and most importantly, I have the most awesomest friends out of everyone else! Suck it, Fairies of Light! I’LL EAT ALL YOUR MUSHROOM DUMPLINGS!


End file.
